Dear Angel…

Moonlighting: Open Letter (to a friend who will never see it….)

A blog by Judy Cools. 

In this end-of-year season, it’s natural to reminisce, to clear the cobwebs, to strive for a better life in the year to come. Born of this season, the following is an Open Letter to a Friend – someone who will likely never see my words. It comes from my need to move forward. I wish each one of you “moving forward” over stagnation, happiness over confusion, and answers over emptiness. A blessed season to us all.

Dear Angel,

I’ve been happy to have you in my life, from the bump into each other that started things, and all the encounters that followed. We wrote together, laughed together, ate and spent time together. We made jokes and invented nicknames and silly jokes some of which are still used today. The photos of us together always make me smile.

We shared stories of a different time and a different life before we all met. I gained strength from hearing your challenges; you gained from mine. We blessed one another with understanding by sharing time. I loved the way you could joke with my husband and make him laugh. The mention of certain things brings an immediate connection with all you are; I expect it always will. Cold-brewed coffee. Little dogs. The very concept of soul-friends. I was sure, by the depth of our comfort with one another, that you felt the same. After all the years of missing you, I guess I was wrong.

I made a mistake a few years into our friendship. It was nothing more than a hurried oversight. We had plans to visit you during a weekend, and rushed out the door without your very unlisted phone number. It was before cell phones and remote email access, so try as we might, we couldn’t make it right; we were five hours away from that slip of paper. We went to the place you work and explained, but even they couldn’t put us in touch.

The weekend went by, with my heart aching the whole time. Immediately when I got home I tried to call; no answer. I sent an e-mail to explain, and offered profuse apologies. No response. Nothing. Next time we were in your town, we went to your office and they said you were there, but when we went to your department, a guard stepped out the door to block our path and said you’d just left. C’mon, now. Your car was parked right outside the door. Couldn’t you just talk to us?

I heard rumors of your grave illness, and prayed for you. I prayed for the new man in your life and that he would see you through this and still be there for you. I wondered for a while if you’d even survived. Eventually, I found out about you through an internet search and the good works you do. Soon afterward I found you via social media, but Facebook was just another message you left unanswered.

I’m just one person, Angel, and I have no more to give to this hole in my soul where you used to live. I never wished you ill, I never betrayed your friendship, and for all I might be worth I cannot figure out why you won’t talk to me. Tell me you’re mad at me forever and I should just go away. Tell me it was all fluff and you were just playing with us. Tell me how I blew my one chance to stay a part of your life. But no response at all? For years? That is just unkind, and I am done.

I have to let you go now, back to life where we are separate. It isn’t what I’ve wanted, but I have nothing left. So, one more time I wish you well, and once again I pray for your well-being. I’ll treasure the memories, that’s all there is. Peace and light, Anam Cara.

© 2013, J. Cools